Dragons and Dungeons.

A recap of last night’s hot, d20 rollin’ action. Quite a bit geeky, but, whatever.

When last we left the Lil’ Bastards…

Pontus, Brutus and Atreyu helped repel an invasion from the Golden Lands from one of the five weapons (We determined it to be the Rust Weapon (not really)) and so excited about the victory was Brutus, that he SPRINTED from Xylon to the Redlands to meet-up with the rest of the Lil’ Bastards. Pontus and Atreyu stayed back as Atreyu discussed halfling fashions for the coming season, trying to get Pontus to wear clothing. Pontus wouldn’t budge.

In discussions with Emedion, the remaning Bastards decided that the best course of action would be to take over the Distillery, and see if we can’t make some fine, fine whiskeys along with taking the souls of our enemies. Inside the keep with the Machine lie Nishara, a hideous beastly beast of a goddess and four titans. With our first attacks, we concentrated on Sutellus (who reminded the Giant Assholes playing the Lil’ Bastards of Nutella. Mark didn’t care that we never call his titans by their real names) trying to weaken him so that either Garrett or Emedion could slap the cuffs on him. We were hoping for a Cops-style foot chase, but all for naught as Garrett was pummelled to within an inch of his life. But, don’t worry, guys. After taking a 20d20 attack, Garrett was left with 9 HP, more than suitable to take out 1 Redlands God and 4 titans alone, right?

At the end of our first round, a sparkling presence appears in the ceiling and in true Lil’ Bastards fashion we choose to ignore it, because Mark wouldn’t fuck with us anymore than he already had, would he? I mean, surely he wouldn’t do something to prolong the battle like summon 25 MORE titans through a rift, causing us even MORE of a headache, would he?

If you answered no to the above questions, seek help.

Of COURSE 25 more titans appeared, and OF COURSE we shit our pants (probably because we had Gionino’s again) and OF COURSE we were pretty fucked… until the Titans decided that they didn’t really want much of us, they came for the Machine, to see it destroyed, courtesy of Hera. This was a problem, since we’d come to USE the machine, and now this nobody was taking advantage of that. The titans blew their divine load all over the Machine, and one man had enough. While the rest of the Bastards took aim at Nishara, killing her soon, and the titans with her distracted by the new titans, Iapetus, with his wonderful cunning, dashing good looks and horsey-form healed the machine to the delight of the Bastards, and delight of the GM.

Battle raged on, and soon the little bastards took down a significant amount of titans, and Thanatos sucked a few up into the machine. We got the machine to where it would hold the titans, and even more titans, and once their divine loads were spent, we went on the offensive.

Until a Harvey Fierstien voiced Berberus broke in, looking like Patrick Star with no face, demanding to know what happened to his mother, Nishara, and why we, the Greenlanders were here. We convinced him that we were on the same side, and told the truth — that we wanted to use the machine as well, and only meant to subdue Nishara while we took down the titans, and made them our spiritual bitches. Impressed by our truth, he joined us, and a deal was worked out: The spheres dropped by the titans would be split 50/50 — He took half, and we took half. There was to be no negotiation, as Berberus was fresh, and most — if not all of our divine load — was spent on all the titans.

This leaves us with a dilemma, to bring up next time — do we honor our committment to Berberus? He can’t use the machine without us, and Thanatos is the only one who knows how to make it work. Or, do we keep him as an ally, and let the stupid one with no face screw it up on his own?

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